What could possibly be the best news to hear at work? "Congratulations! You're getting a raise!" Yes, that is good news. But that's not it. "Congratulations! That job you applied for? Well, you were selected for the position!" Yes, that is good news. But, that's not it either. "The biggest butthead in the company got a new job, and it's with another company!" Yes! That's it! If the first two don't reflect on you, then the third message outranks the first two by leaps and bounds. I don't know about you all, but I follow that news with a "Hallelujah Brother! There is a God! Thank you Jesus!" Followed by a promise to attend church every Sunday... ok, maybe more often than usual. What could possibly beat that great news. I know! A going away party... two parties in fact. The first one for the loser leaving and all those people who lie to themselves and offer congratulations. And the second party... the weekend after they're gone! You'll see me at the second party.
What happens next takes up the time between the announcement and when they finally walk out the door. Raffles! First, who's next in line to take the vacant position. There's always one butthead to follow the outgoing butthead. And that butthead meets the same butthead qualities or will exceed them beyond your worse expectations. Or will it be the person everyone would love to see in the position. They go out of their way to please everyone, is a great team player, seems to be the workaholic who manages to be on top of every job. Of these choices, here's what will happen. The butthead leaves, but before they leave, they recommend the brown-noser who's been there acting in the position when butthead was gone on vacation or travel or whatever reason they weren't there. The one everyone is praying will get the position, ain't going to get the job. They're too nice to follow a butthead. So the brown-nosing butthead gets the job, and everyone now not only hates the brown-noser, but now hates their own job. At some point, management gets a clue and strongly suggests the brown-nosing butthead either find another job or management finds another job for them. And who follows the brown-nosing butthead? Hopefully, the great team player, the workaholic... but chances are 60-40 management will now choose someone outside the company suggesting the department needs new blood. And so much for that raffle... next raffle.
The butthead leaves, the new job is located in the same town, and we all wonder how many jobs can they create in their new position down the road, which all the brown-nosers who worked under them will now follow. If we're really lucky, enough positions to take all of them. But if they can at least create one, they will create a new position for the brown-nosing butthead and we can all sleep a whole lot better. Give me an Amen Brother!
